Intensify Your Practice (by Swami Chetanananda)
This man is one of the greatest Gurus alive on earth.
Victims of Amherst College’s rape cover-ups and the disgusting things said to them
Photographs by Jisoo Lee
Project by It Happens Here — Dana Bolger, Kinjal Patel, Sonum Dixit
absolutely disgusting and inexcusable
this is in my state and i know a lot of people who go here/who party here so yeah
My personal response to:
by Jenn Schiffer on Pancake Theorem.
I’m also a woman in technology, and like you, have experienced in the past several months, similar things; even to the point of pointing things out to colleagues male and female who tended to agree with my observations, at least conversationally.
It’s weird though, I rarely get asked if I’m offended by anything. And I’m usually not offended by things I notice that exclude me. That said, I’m not in a very visible place and I’m able to find communities that appreciate the occasional jab from me or others - sexist or not. Nothing is ever directed directly at me,either, at least such that it makes my attention.
This brings me to my point - when a person presents their own offended feelings at feeling excluded by a joke or comment, I don’t feel sad or angry. Concerned that they feel excluded is more like it, and not angry that a person who was being themselves (however douchey) imposed their personal sense of humor on the feelings of another person. It’s upsetting to the person who has been trampled, totally. That sucks - but this person is a) reacting based on prior personal experience that is informing their feelings and b) also imposing their sense of how others should behave as much as the original douchebag (we’ll call it that for labels’ sake.) More than anything, the emotional stress that they feel on the others side of the joke is alerting them to a pit of emotion that many jerks may be responsible for placing, but ultimately only up to them to align with a perspective that takes only the useful part of the offense (like: “That person is a douchebag. I should avoid them.”) without suffering the negative (like: “This emotion is more than I can handle. Shame on this person for triggering this emotion in me. It’s all their fault.”). And no lack of these experiences will help them do that.
While tact has the incredible ability of presenting hundreds of ideas to a mind before it has noticed that even one has sunk in, it’s a learned ability, so not everyone who wants it has it. Also, in trying to express oneself even being mindful of tact, it’s not always possible to be expressive of a notion without learning afterwards that the effort was out of bounds. Then, there are the folks that never want to be tactful; they want to use spite for division, control, and to get their jollies. Arguably, these are the folks who really deserve the wrath of the offended. In time, they do suffer the consequences of their hideous tactics, especially when they don’t change. People who get actively offended get enraged at their tactics, and people who don’t simply make a note to avoid this a-hole and turn away. In time, they don’t have a leg to stand on.
I am a woman in tech who has required conscious absorbtion of every bit of tact I have ever learned. I was bullied as a kid. I tried to bully and failed then too. Everything sucked, everything was offensive. Everything upset me. It doesn’t today - or should I say, it rarely does. Getting out of the stuck-point of being offended was not an easy journey, but ultimately it has these rewards: 1: never giving your time to anyone who isn’t worth it. 2: the ability to laugh at yourself. 3: The ability to develop tact authentically and use it. 4: The ability to evaluate situations from a place of intuition where you can guage your future happiness at a moment’s effort.
That said, I occasionally offend people. I mention his hairline. I wonder if she looks better since the weight came back on. I draw clear memories of that time he/she was an a-hole to me and don’t downplay my holding them accountable. I also occasionally guess right when someone tells me about being called names, being treated or threatened a certain way with a single question: “Was it a man?”
The best we have to offer the world comes from experiences and conclusions we draw from those. Being offended is an experience that can be un-learned as auto-traumatic. If everyone at least tried to do this, the folks trying to honestly learn how to express non-hurtful notion while messing up wouldn’t hate themselves later for trying, or have to find ways to excuse their honest efforts; and a-holes would still suffer for being a-holes. It’s a win-win.
Any person who experiences a negative emotion so strong as triggered by a comment/joke by exclusion who chooses to turn it back on the originating source either to their face or (worse) to third party gossip only extends and strengthens how hurtful the situation can get. This effort might as well be summarized as “since I am hurt, I’m taking as much as I can down with me.” They make you, Jenn, sad and angry, and hosts of others as well. Did that help you, or them, at all?